Reality TV Monday: Tool Academy Week 1 Analysis

If you thought the title of this post was just a bit of misleading cleverness, well, you don't know Monsieur Zissou very well.  It is with great pleasure that we introduce a new feature to the Life Despotic, Reality TV Mondays!  As an avid fan of the perplexing television drama Lost, I'm familiar with the army of fans that deconstruct every episode and write long postings featuring detailed recaps and theoretical analysis.  Loving the concept but having nowhere near the required intellectual fortitude or patience to pursue such a pursuit, I have decided instead to apply the format to that guilty pleasure of guilty pleasures, reality television.  My first choice (and a worthy one at that) is VH1's Tool Academy.  Each week I will watch one episode of Tool Academy 3 and offer my own commentary.  Sounds hilarious, right?  Well, chances are you're going to read it anyway, so let's begin!

Yes, this is really happening.

THE CONCEPT: Mewling girlfriends trick their tooling boyfriends into enrolling in Tool Academy by telling them they've been selected for some show called Mr. Cancun or something.  The ruse is revealed and the tools have to change their ways in hopes of winning $100,000 or else hit the road.  Each episode features a therapy session with Therapist-To-The-Tools™ Trina, a challenge meant to test the tools' progress, and an elimination ceremony.

THE TWIST: This season features toolettes for the first time!  Introducing Jennavecia, party chick and all-around skank, and Courtney, the world's first lesbian womanizer.

WEEK ONE: This week's season-opening episode is packed with great moments and even more great quotes.  The Tool Academy reveal is epic as always.  Having watched Tool Academy 1, I always suspected the "trick setup" is faked, as I can't imagine anyone would stay on after learning they'd actually been cast on a show about tools.  For some reason, though, I bought it this time around, as I doubt they're very good actors and all seemed most concerned with the $100,000 prize.  As most are unemployed, I can buy that.  Anyway, this week's theme is communication.

THE CHALLENGE: Tools are chained to a doghouse.  The doghouse only comes apart in one way.  The tool must explain to the non-tool how to disassemble the doghouse without physically helping.

THE ODDS: I decided while I was watching the episode to assess each contestant's odds of winning the big bottle of spray-tan based on what I saw.  These odds were all formulated before I learned the results of the episode.  Justification for each rating is provided.  From least likely to most likely:

• Daniel, 1000-1: Self-described "glow-sticker."  'Nuff said.

• Chasyn, 250-1: Is a professional wrestler named Chasyn.  Smirked uncontrollably while watching interview video during therapy in which he brags about his various conquests.

• Tommy, 75-1: High odds based mostly on the fact that he got almost no screen time after the Cancun portion.  Can't imagine they'd ignore the eventual winner in the opening episode.

• Shawn, 75-1: See Tommy.

• Jordan, 75-1: See Tommy.

• Kevin, 60-1: Didn't own up to anything during therapy, instead throwing his hands up and saying "you're right, I'm wrong," to his wife (yes, wife).  No-show during the challenge.

• Courtney, 35-1: Crude and not apologizing for it, but she did seem humbled during therapy.

• Jacob, 10-1: Dark horse.  Appeared somewhat remorseful and truthful during therapy, then promptly started a fight with non-tool Kyle.  Could go either way.

• Jennavecia, 6-1: Won the first challenge.  At one point acknowledged that she needed to change or she'd lose her boyfriend.  However, during therapy she didn't seem to see the problem with her sleeping with random guys.  We'll see, but I've got hope she can turn the corner.

• Angelo, 2-1: Odds-on favorite to win it.  Killer Tool Academy combo: über-tool, highly sensitive, willing to cry at a moment's notice, and able to appear genuinely remorseful when he needs to.  I've never felt so good about a tool's odds this early in the game.  This guy is Matsuflex 2.0.

THE RESULTS: Well, Jennavecia and Kyle win the first challenge, meaning they win a date and are exempt from elimination.  In a shocking(?) development, Chasyn becomes the first Tool Academy contestant ever to quit the show.  He gave no real explanation other than, "I don't need this s**t," which I suppose is fair enough.  Trina, given the sudden departure, decides all the remaining contestants deserve to stay another week.  Everyone gets their Communication Merit Badges!

ANALYSIS:  Overall, a pretty solid opening episode.  It had tears, jeers, lots of flexing, an almost fight, and a man in a pink thong.  This crop of tools seems a bit uneven as a whole.  While the dominant tools like Angelo, Jacob, Daniel, and Jennavecia would make any Tool Academy proud, I'm troubled by the comparatively weak stuff guys like Shawn and Jordan are bringing to the table.  This is the third season of Tool Academy, boys, it's time to bring your "A" game.  Let's hope they kill it next week.

NOTES & QUOTES:

• Almost fights (cumulative): 1

• Times Angelo has cried (cumulative): 2

• "If I can show the world how much I can party, this will be a kick in the ass to America!"

• "It's the chance to win $100,000 and get p***y.  Those are, like, basically the two things I live by.  Other than working out."

• "He just likes to do the glow-sticking and the drinking.  Even our son does it."

• "Mexico rhymes with Sex-ico!"

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth