i vant to suck your blud

That's right, people: two posts, one day.  Summer of George.  This should be a short one (right!) as I simply need to express my disgust at the ignorance and arrogance displayed in a CNN video I just watched.  First, let me assure you that I don't make a habit of watching CNN videos, but I set the Chet News Network as my homepage and thus it caught my eye (by the way, anyone who gets that reference without the use of google wins a chicken dinner courtesy of Ivan Zissou).

The video headline in question queried, "Do men with accents have edge in dating?"  A worthy question, no doubt.  My first thought was, "Well, naturally they mean non-General American accents, as everyone speaks with an accent.  I'm sure they were just saving space in the headline and will mention it at some point in this four-minute long video."  You can see where this is going.  In truth, the video featured no such disclaimer, and thus registered fairly high on the unintentional comedy scale with gems like this one: "I think that an accent can take an average guy and push him to that super-hot level."  And then, of course, there was the near perfect irony of a woman with the thickest New York accent you'll ever hear ruminating on how attractive she finds men with accents.

Am I picking nits?  Sure.  Am I simply jealous because my thick Russian accent renders me virtually unintelligible when I go speed dating?  Probably.  All I'm saying is, if I'm a reporter for one of the world's largest news organizations, I'm probably going to want to put in a one-sentence distinction to prove I'm not a complete moron and understand the real definition of the word "accent."

BONUS PARAGRAPH: For those of you who want to emulate the Captain, please review this page and do literally the opposite of everything it says.  Just for the good of the order, Russians do not pronounce 'w' like 'v,' they do not pronounce 'th' like 'z,' and they certainly don't pronounce 'h' like a Spanish 'j.'  Well, okay, maybe Yakov Smirnoff does.  But I want you to aim higher, dear readers!  And you're going to need to if you want to get those dates.

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read

cth

"The reports of my death...

...are greatly exaggerated."  

~Mark Twain, May 1897 

~The Life Despotic with Ivan Zissou, May 2010

That's right, dear readers, this blog still lives.  My dearest apologies for the excessive delay in postings.  Certain unfortunate real world events have demanded the Captain's attention these past two weeks (lack of inspiration being one of those "events").  To make it up to you, I'm returning to the blogosphere in a Big way.  In fact, I write not only to announce the continued existence of this blog but also to announce the birth of another.  While this blog was originally envisioned as a way for friends and relatives to stay informed of my exploits in Russia (see: first post), it has since warped into something much more absurd and frightening.

I had been thinking about splitting off the serious stuff into a new blog for some time, and now that I've learned where I'm going to be stationed next year, I decided it was time.  Essentially, I couldn't imagine my grandmother scrolling past Tool Academy recaps and long-winded diatribes on Friedrich Engels to get to the actual news on my whereabouts.  Thus, it is with the utmost fanfare that I announce Karelia or Bust!  Check it out for my first official post.  It's still very much a work in progress, but at least it's a start.

But that's not all, dear readers!  After all, I said back in a Big way (note the capital "b").  Later today the Life Despotic will feature yet another post (NOW WITH NEW CONTENT!).  It shall be the Life Despotic's first double post, and, together with the new blog, equates to three posts in one day for your reading consumption.  Stay tuned, folks.

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read

cth

Dateline: Moscow

Russian Man Refuses Vodka at Wedding; Kremlin Officials Scramble for Answers
Martin Redding, Moscow Senior Correspondent

MOSCOW (Reuters) -- What was intended to be a day of celebration ended in a tragedy that set a community and a nation reeling.  After completing their wedding vows, newlyweds Arkady and Marina Kandinsky accompanied their guests to the reception at the Izmailovsky Hotel.  

While exact details are unknown, an eyewitness reports that it was just after a rambling and at times uncomfortable speech by the best man that a guest of the groom, Ivan Napitok, allegedly refused a glass of vodka offered by the bride's brother.  

An off-duty police deputy attending the wedding, Pyotr Bykov, describes the scene that followed: "I was sitting on the other side of the hall when I heard a great commotion coming from the bar.  After someone told me what happened, I moved immediately to secure the reception."  Bykov placed the suspect into custody and notified Moscow authorities.  

Riot police arrived on the scene to contain what was described as an atmosphere of mass hysteria.  "It was crazy," said Daria Smelaya, a guest at the reception and eyewitness.  "Many people would not believe he refused it; but we saw that he refused it.  Fighting broke out.  It was terrible." 

Napitok, 43, works as a claims adjuster for a firm located in the Izmailovsky district.  Friends and acquaintances reacted with uniform shock and disbelief at the accusations leveled against him.  His landlady, who requested her name be withheld from this report, had this to say: "He always paid his rent on time.  He was quiet, a good tenant.  He helped me re-tile the hallways.  I never would have expected this sort of behavior from him."  

However, Mikhail Skuchniy, a sports psychologist at the Moscow Institute of Agriculture and Mines, says that such deviant tendencies cannot be easily detected in every case.  "These things happen," explains Skuchniy, "Such deviant tendencies cannot be easily detected in every case."

A spokesman for the Kremlin issued a written statement late Tuesday night announcing  that the FSB has opened a full investigation into the allegations.  While inquiries to the FSB central office went unanswered, a source within the Kremlin says they are taking the situation very seriously.  It is rumored that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has cut short his vacation at a dude ranch in Wyoming to personally oversee the investigation.  The source went on to say that Mr. Napitok could face charges ranging from light to medium treason, for which the minimum penalty is two full readings of Anna Karenina. 

As the investigation unfolds, a community is left waiting for answers.  "He wouldn't explain why he refused; he simply said he didn't feel like it," recounts Smelaya.  "What gives a person the right to act this way?  Someone must be held responsible."  

However, it appears there will be no quick answers for what has become a lightning rod of national interest.  For at least one, however, the incident has remained intensely personal.  "I haven't slept," says Napitok's mother, Tanya.  "This is not the son I raised."

Follow this developing story at Reuters Online.

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read

cth

And now for something completely different...

This is my first attempt at a blog post on my first attempt at a blog.  I'm unaccustomed to writing to myself, which I presume will constitute the majority of my audience, so we'll just see what comes of it.  I've conceived this blog as an efficient means to keep interested parties informed of my exploits and whereabouts in the next academic year as I pursue a Fulbright grant in Russia.  FULL DISCLOSURE: This idea is mainly born out of my laziness and not wanting to take the time to write out 20+ emails every week.  Think of this as your one-stop shop for all things Dusty-in-Russia™.

**Now with free shipping!  Optional rewards program coming soon!**

While this blog will primarily be a vehicle for me to record my struggle to sow the seeds of revolution promote cross-cultural understanding in rural Russia, depending on my level of:

     1) Boredom;

     2) Internet access;

     and C) Freedom from prison and/or Siberian gulag,

the blog could feature such diverse and sure-to-be-thrilling material as: lessons in Russian and English grammar, movie reviews, literary criticism, discussions of spacetime and the possible ramifications of blackholes on said phenomenon, haiku poetry, international fútbol commentary, philosophical ramblings, exclusive interviews with long-dead historical figures, nonsensical lists like this one, viewer mail specials, inane trivia challenges, and so, so, so much more.

If that doesn't pique your interest, it means you've still too many brain cells.  I've found a very effective cure for this unfortunate malady is to stand squarely facing the nearest wall and steadily strike one's forehead upon it.  I find it especially effective if done to the rhythm of "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees, but I'm sure there are other good ones out there.  Don't be afraid to share your favorites!

SEGUE: Speaking of sharing, if you do plan on following my blog I'd encourage you to sign up for a Blogger™ account in case you ever care to comment on a post.  Doing so would also put you in a position to take part in the aforementioned viewer mail specials and inane trivia challenges (the latter may include authentic Russian trinkets as prizes!).  Don't miss out on the chance of a Tuesday afternoon lifetime!

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth