Reality TV Monday: Tool Academy Week 4 Analysis

Ahoy, Lifers.  This is your Captain speaking.  I realize the Life Despotic has been somewhat empty of late, but the Yuri Andropov's communication equipment has been on the fritz.  Fortunately, after four days, three ACE bandages, two jars of Silly Putty® and a partridge in a pear tree, Ensign Jarlsberg assures me all problems have been rectified.  And just in time for another installment of Tool Academy!  I've run out of clever things to say before the break, so let's just go ahead and make the jump.  DISCLAIMER: I know there's lots of links this week, but click them, they're all short and you won't be sorry.  Well, except for the Amy Grant.  Intrigued?

Outstanding work, Ensign.

This week's theme is Appreciation. Frankly, I would have appreciated a bit more precision, as the tools have demonstrated that they're very good at appreciating themselves, just not others.  Needless to say, it's those others Therapist-to-the-Tools™ Trina is concerned with.

THERAPY aka ELSA'S PROCESSION TO THE CATHEDRAL: The tools head to the therapy room, but their partners are noticeably absent.  Trina explains that their partners feel unappreciated.  Oh Trina,  you and your highly perceptive observations!  Good to see they made you earn that Ph.D.  She then quotes Joni Mitchell, Amy Grant, Counting Crows, Vanessa Carlton and Bob Dylan (among others) in telling the tools you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.  I picked the Amy Grant version for that link because I can't decide which is more ridiculous: the video or her hair.

But what does that mean in the context of therapy?  It means their partners are getting married.  But not to the tools.  And the tools have to watch.  This is weird. They've got a fake priest and everything.  SIDENOTE: Is it illegal to impersonate a priest?  I feel like it should be, but I have no reasoning.

Rachel and Jordan are up first.  Rachel's even wearing her faux wedding dress in the interview chair, which I appreciate.  She explains her feelings eloquently: "Like, half of me wants to be up there holding his hands, and the other half of me, like, wants to run away as fast as I can."  We both know which of those halves you should listen to, Rachel.  We both also know which half you're going to listen to.  Moron.

Jacob and Christie are up next.  I don't think Jacob realizes that this is fake.  He gets up as Christie walks down the aisle and stands at the altar with her.  When Trina tells him to sit down, he says "I'm not going to sit there and let her get married.  I'm not no fool."  No that's right; I don't know how anyone could mistake you for a fool, Jacob.  He finally sits down, then promptly jumps back up and starts threatening the poor stand-in waiter they got to play the ersatz bridegroom when the priest asks them to join hands.

SPECIAL STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS NARRATIVE:

Who wrote these vows?  "I promise I will appreciate you, and spend less time at the gym."  I don't recall seeing that verse in first Corinthians.

Kyle kinda looks like James Bond in his tuxedo.  If James Bond were one of the Dukes of Hazzard and had sideburns down to his jaw line.

The fake priest looks like Alton Brown from the Food Network.  Great, now I'm hungry.  KHAAAAAAAAN!!!!!

WTF?! moment:  A mouse runs out under Tommy's feet during his fake ceremony.  He freaks out.  The strangest part, though, was Trina's response when he warned her it was moving toward her: "It's okay, I've seen him before." Wait, what?

Pictured above: Alaskan Halibut (with Alton Brown).

NON-SPECIAL REGULAR CONSCIOUSNESS NARRATIVE:

Kevin also has a hard time with the ceremony, threatening to "go to jail tonight" rather than watch Jermika hold hands with "this Denzel Washington-ass dude."  Then he drops a bombshell: "We didn't even get married this fancy.  We got married in your mom's kitchen!"  You know it was a bombshell because they played a fog horn sound as they panned around the room for reactions.  Even the "Denzel-ass dude" thought that was weak.

"The kitchen?  Shit's weak, bro."

THE CHALLENGE: Tools have to cook for a dinner party in their partners' honor.  Jordan's instant reaction?  "I'm going to cook my ass off."  Tell you what, Jordan, here's what you do: buy yourself a tape recorder.  You record yourself for a whole day. I think you're gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.

So the tool's are off to the grocery store to plan their meals and purchase the appropriate ingredients.  Tommy shotguns a beer.  In a grocery store.  Meanwhile, Jacob decides he's going to cook for Christie the first meal they had after they had sex, hoping she can "connect the dots."  You stay classy, Jacob.  Also, it's weird that you remember that.  Just saying.

Back at the house kitchen now, and Angelo cries!  But it's onions this time.  I'm not kidding.  Meanwhile, Tommy is getting wasted while cooking.  Cheap beer and gas stoves, sounds like a great combo.  Fast forward to the meal, where each partner gets to try each dish.  Rachel provides the insightful commentary: "I have never been more stuffed in my life.  This was like a Jewish Hanukkah."  As opposed to those non-Jewish Hanukkahs, presumably.

Tommy's totally wasted at this point, and Angelo wins the challenge by having the best dish.  That's my tool!  Unfortunately, what followed was a bunch of girl drama involving something about Christie and Kyle working out together.  I can't really explain it, as my attention drifted to the Indians-Jays game.  I gotta say, Austin Kearns has been a pleasant surprise this year, especially for a veteran journeyman.  If he can keep swinging the bat like this he could lock down the starting job and put Brantley on the bench indefinitely.  We've got to get more consistent pitching out of the pen if we want to be anywhere near contention, though... 

Woah, almost girlfight!  And we're back to green flag racing on the highway!

Cut to next day, another almost girlfight!  Dayna throws food on Christie.  Oh no she dih-ent!  SIDENOTE: That video encapsulates everything I love about Youtube.  That was the first result.

RESULTS: I have no idea who's going home.  Kevin, Jacob, Tommy, and Courtney all did an abysmal job this week.  And that's not an objective appraisal mind you, that's adjusting for the tool curve.  Turns out it's Lady Lovin' Tool Courtney who gets the axe.  Lady Lovin' Tool?  Really, VH1?  Hit it right on the head, there, didn't ya?  Oh, and Cheron leaves her in emotional and dramatic fashion.  Courtney declares she's not going to let her go that easy, THROWS HER SHOES at the other girls, and chases the departing limo barefoot down the driveway.  As the limo pulls out into the road, she yells to the sky: "She's gone!  Can't you see she's f**king gone?!"  Wow.  Simply spectacular.  It's like she suddenly turned into John Cusack in an 80s-era John Hughes rite de passage film.

ANALYSIS:  Well it's hard to be disappointed by this result.  Courtney just didn't bring a lot to the table beyond being a lesbian, which would have been edgy were this 1992.  While the challenge was less than enthralling and much of the episode was devoted to pointless house drama, the ridiculous therapy session and cinematic ending made this an entertaining episode.  Once again, Tool Academy refuses to quit.

NOTES & QUOTES:

• Almost fights (cumulative): 7

• Times Angelo has cried (cumulative): 6

• "I don't need the tanning.  But I need you." 

• "I don't even let a muthaf**ka breathe on my wife when we in the club."

• "I feel like Al Bundy from Married with Children!"
   

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth