my country tis of thee

I've been watching a lot of the World Cup lately, and it just wouldn't be an international football match without the playing of anthems beforehand.  After hearing select anthems of the various participant countries, I decided to do a little research (read: Youtube) into the national songs of the countries of the world to learn more about them.  Therefore, I have compiled for you my picks for the best and worst anthems.  Keep in mind this is my opinion, therefore it should be treated as divine law; differences of opinion will not be tolerated.  We'll start with the bad ones to get some controversy going.  Let's begin, shall we?

THE BAD


4) "Advance Australia Fair" -- Commonwealth of Australia
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Look, I love the Aussies as much as the next guy.  Kangaroos?  Absolutely.  Shrimp on the barbie?  Yes, please.  Hell, I'll even give them a pass on Hugh Jackman.  But you listen to that national anthem and tell me it doesn't sound like a bad theme song written for the Little Miss Texas pageant.  I know.  You can't.  Let's move on.


3) "Het Wilhelmus" -- The Netherlands
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Imagine my surprise wh...

Sorry, I feel asleep whilst typing that because I accidentally left Het Wilhelmus on the background.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that this dreary funeral dirge is the oldest anthem in the world currently in use!  Are you kidding me, Netherlands?  Four hundred years and nobody decided to take another pass at this borefest?  Party foul, Netherlands.  Party foul.


2) "God Save the Queen" -- United Kingdom/Commonwealth of Nations
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A national anthem should do many things.  It should inspire pride.  It should incite the citizens of the realm to civic action and love of country.  This anthem asks God to protect the monarch.  Stirring.  Add in the Ode to Joy-esque simplicity of the melody and slow-as-snails pace, and this isn't just one of the world's most well-known anthems, it's one of the world's most boorish.  Pass.


1) "O Canada" -- Canada
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Yeah, I went there.  I know this is a controversial pick, because some people always rave about how grandiose it is.  I don't see it.  First of all, the music is about as simplistic as it gets.  Second of all, the lyrics are about as vanilla as they get.  It's like a bad high school alma mater.  "O Canada!  Our home and native land!  True patriot love in all thy sons command."  Look, Canada, I feel for you.  I don't even find Canada jokes that funny.  But when you're stereotyped as so-nice-it-makes-you-dull, this anthem isn't exactly helping you dispel that image.

THE GOOD


4) "National Anthem of South Africa" -- Republic of South Africa
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Unfortunately, I couldn't find a version of this anthem that really does it justice.  A combination of two different past anthems, "Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika," and "Die Stem van Suid-Afrika," this tune has the distinction of being the only neo-modal anthem in the world (which Wikipedia tells me means it ends in a different key than the one it starts in).  Aside from the restrained beauty of the melodic line (and four-part harmony!), the coolest thing about this anthem is the fact that it's lyrics include five different languages: Xhosa, Zulu, Sesotho, Afrikaans, and English.  A truly diverse and beautiful song that perfectly represents the Rainbow Nation.

3) "Das Deutschlandlied" -- Federal Republic of Germany

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First off: when the music to your national anthem was written by Franz Joseph Haydn, you know you're off to a pretty good start.  That this tune was written by a world-class classical composer shows.  Some anthems are meant to be sung, some anthems are meant to be played; this anthem is meant to be played.  It's got a stirring melody while retaining an Old World dignity the befits the German state.

2) "The Star-Spangled Banner" -- The United State of America

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I don't know which is more shocking: that I put my own country's national anthem on the list or that I ranked it number two.  You decide.  Anyway, this anthem has it all; rousing lyrics belligerent enough to make the French proud, potential for brilliant harmonies, and a melodic line stirring enough that even decades of pitch-poor renditions at local baseball games hasn't tarnished it.  Covering one and a half octaves, the Star-Spangled Banner is notoriously difficult to sing.  I know that anthems are supposed to be accessible to the citizens and all, but I've always felt some strange sense of pride at that fact.  Not just any old hack can sing our anthem, buddy.

1) "Hymn of the Russian Federation" -- Russian Federation

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Look, I know what you're thinking.  "What a surprise that the country he's from and the country he studies and is going to live in are the top two best anthems."  That's fair.  But seriously, listen to them and tell me you've got a better one.  So basically there's two possibilities: one, pure coincidence (false); or two, I choose my interest in countries based solely on the strength of their national anthems (true). This hymn uses the original music of the Hymn of the Soviet Union.  They tried to use a different anthem after the fall of the U.S.S.R., but this one kicks so much ass they had to bring it back with different lyrics (avoiding all those references to Stalin and Lenin).  While the Cold Warrior in me hates to admit it, I have to give respect where respect is due.  This anthem is the best.

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth