i think that jay is, like, infinitely curious

Ahoy, Lifers.  Consider a few seemingly unrelated facts:

FACT #1: I have recently graduated from university (like that British phrasing?) and, with no job and no responsibilities until I leave for my fictional homeland in September, I'm desperately searching for inane pursuits to waste my time on.

FACT #2: I have recently installed the newest operating system on my laptop computer, which came with the brand-spanking-new version of iMovie, that film editing software easy enough to use that its siren calls to me to waste hours upon hours creating ridiculous wastes of celluloid.

FACT #3: With its new advertising campaign for what is apparently some kind of documentary about Jay-Z doing whatever it is Jay-Z does, Absolut^® has unwittingly created the greatest commercial of all time.

 "I can see where this is going, boo."

If you watch, like, literally any television at all, you know the one about which I'm talking I'm talking about.  It's on so much I feel like it was added as an amendment to the Law & Order/CSI Act of 2004, which mandates, by law, that at least one program from either of those franchises must be running on at least one channel at any given time.  Anyway, it's a brilliant commercial, though unfortunately I can't seem to find the 30-second version online.  It features our man Jay waxing poetic about NYC.  Consider: "New York, New York.  It's my foundation, it's the center of my growth, it's the...muse for my art."  Classic stuff, in other words.

The real show stealer, however, is none other than John 'Your Body is a Wonderland' Mayer, who inexplicably shows up in the middle of the ad to utter that priceless gem of rhetorical quintessence that lends this post its title: "I think that Jay is, like, infinitely curious."  BOOM.  And then he's gone.  I did find a one minute-long version on Youtube, but it features a longer clip of Mayer in which he goes on to expound on his statement and it just ruins it.  You just need that one perfect phrase.

Do you think Jay-Z would use the word 'boo?'  I don't know.  I'm leaving it, though.

In other words, dear readers, I'm going to re-create this commercial.  I must give credit where credit is due, however.  'Twas not originally my idea but that of officially-sanctioned Friend of the Captain^® Olivia.  She will be playing the role of John 'Your Body is a Wonderland' Mayer, while I, naturally, will be Jay.  I haven't come up with a full plan yet, as I feel it needs to spoof the original in order to move beyond it, but I have already ripped some footage of NYC from the minute-long clip to splice in with the new stuff.

Is this an extraordinary waste of time?  Yes.

Is the finished product destined to be terrible?  Yes.

Is there any way you wouldn't be interested in watching it if I posted it on the blog?  Thought so.

From the virtual wonderland body of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth

chicken cheeks

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth

Reality TV Monday: Tool Academy Week 6 Analysis

Ahoy, Lifers!  After a much needed hiatus from Tool Academy (I'm pretty sure it triggered Ensign Jarlsberg's recent herpes flare-up), we're getting back into the groove in a big way!  I don't know if you realize, but we're down to the final four.  This is the home stretch.  Who will pull ahead as we pull around the final turn?  Kevin?  Jennavecia?  Jacob?  Angelo?  Well, I can't answer that yet, as there's still two episodes left, but I can tell you who goes home this week.  Recap and results after the jump!

you're a rabid anti-dentite!

spoiler alert

Read at your own risk:

Snape kills Dumbledore.

Rosebud is a sled.

The Planet of the Apes is Earth, thousands of years in the future.

Tim Curry is Mr. Boddy.

Vader is Luke's father.

Soylent Green is made out of people.  Also, what is it with Charlton Heston and big plot twist movies?  He's like the actor equivalent of M. Night Shaymalamadingdong.

Kevin Spacey is Keyser Söze.

Phelps is the mole.

Johnny Depp is John Shooter.

Paul Bettany is a hallucination.  Russell Crowe was nuts the whole time.

The village is located in a modern state park.

Bruce Willis is dead the whole time.

cth is

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read

cth

the summer of george!

Ahoy again, Lifers.  As promised, here is the final installment of the Leonid Brezhnev Memorial May-June Spectacular Pro-Am Fun-Run Blog for the Cure presented by Citibank aka my third post in a third as many days (any errors in math are the fault of Chief Petty Officer Leerdammer).

I have a confession to make, dear readers.  Now that I've successfully defended my thesis, I have totally checked out.  I still have papers due in other classes, don't care.  I still have readings to do, not doing them.  In my mind, it's already summer.  But despite my lack of recent activity, fear not: the fact that I've totally checked out academically means only bigger and better things for everyone's favorite blog!^{[CITATION NEEDED]}

What am I doing this summer?  Do I have a job?  NO!  Do I have a plan?  NO!  Basically, I'm going to spend so much time on my backside this summer that I've contacted those crazy Swedes about the prospects of creating a Tempur-Pedic™ couch.  In other words, this is going to be my time.  My time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin.  I proclaim this the Summer of George!  And that means big and exciting things for the Life Despotic.  It means answers.  Answers to all those burning questions that have been tormenting you: Is Ivan Zissou a real Captain?  Why do all the members of his fictional crew seem to be named after obscure cheeses?  Who will be the Tool Academy champion, and what will be the next featured show on Reality TV Monday?  And who is this mysterious 'cth'  transcribing all these posts?  The answers to these questions and more!  (SPOILER ALERT: They're all dead!)

But while I'll be firmly planted on my couch for the entirety of summer, I know that some of my readers are of a more travel-oriented persuasion.  Thus, just for you, I'm introducing Captain Zissou's Official Summer Destination Hotspots 2010.  These are the most happening, phresh-to-death travel destinations for the summer jetsetter.  Due to my exhaustive, top secret evaluation process, you won't likely see these hotspots on other lists.   But rest assured, it's because they're the elite of the elite, the next big thing of the next big things, the colossus of clout!  (FREE FUN FACT: I was called 'Smalls' in middle school because I looked exactly like the main kid in that movie when I was younger.)  Follow this list and you'll be the envy of your elementary school class on "What I Did Over the Summer Day."

HOTSPOT #1: Chechnya, Russian Federation

Attractions: experience the exotic culture of Central Asia in this enchanting city, a blend of old and new.  All the latest advancements in late-period Soviet artillery luxury and entertainment may be found in any of Chechnya's multiple warzones 5-star resort hotels.  Local must-experience events include snorkeling, fly fishing, and carbombing hang gliding!  Book now and be sure to ask about the authentic Chechen luau ceremony!

HOTSPOT #2: Gulf of Aden, Coast of Somalia

Enjoy the beautiful cerulean and sea foam of the Indian Ocean from the privacy of your very own impromptu prison cell in the bottom of a reef boat luxury yacht.  Step into the romantic past of the high seas with full-scale recreations of piracy in the age of the tall ships (including possible special guest appearances by Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom!).  You'll be the envy of all your friends when your hostage exchange is the lead story on CNN you show them your unbelievable photos of the local wildlife!

HOTSPOT #3: Gulf of Mexico, Coast of Louisiana

If you've noticed a trend in maritime locations, it's because they're all the rage this summer!  And no spot is hotter right now than the Gulf of Mexico.  Or should I say, ¡muy caliente!  If you're a fan of lung cancer scuba diving, you won't find a place with more uncontrollable gushing black oil amazingly clear waters.  Swim with the dead turtles during the day and enjoy the surface fires beautiful sunsets in the evening.

You can't go wrong with any of these options, dear readers.  In fact, if you've got the time, means, and inclination, I encourage you to go for the trifecta and hit all three!  Feel free to share your own summer plans or destination locations.  Declare your very own Summer of George!

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth

"The reports of my death...

...are greatly exaggerated."  

~Mark Twain, May 1897 

~The Life Despotic with Ivan Zissou, May 2010

That's right, dear readers, this blog still lives.  My dearest apologies for the excessive delay in postings.  Certain unfortunate real world events have demanded the Captain's attention these past two weeks (lack of inspiration being one of those "events").  To make it up to you, I'm returning to the blogosphere in a Big way.  In fact, I write not only to announce the continued existence of this blog but also to announce the birth of another.  While this blog was originally envisioned as a way for friends and relatives to stay informed of my exploits in Russia (see: first post), it has since warped into something much more absurd and frightening.

I had been thinking about splitting off the serious stuff into a new blog for some time, and now that I've learned where I'm going to be stationed next year, I decided it was time.  Essentially, I couldn't imagine my grandmother scrolling past Tool Academy recaps and long-winded diatribes on Friedrich Engels to get to the actual news on my whereabouts.  Thus, it is with the utmost fanfare that I announce Karelia or Bust!  Check it out for my first official post.  It's still very much a work in progress, but at least it's a start.

But that's not all, dear readers!  After all, I said back in a Big way (note the capital "b").  Later today the Life Despotic will feature yet another post (NOW WITH NEW CONTENT!).  It shall be the Life Despotic's first double post, and, together with the new blog, equates to three posts in one day for your reading consumption.  Stay tuned, folks.

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read

cth