Reality TV Monday: Tool Academy Week 2 Analysis

Ahoy Lifers, this is your Captain speaking.  It's Monday again, and that means another installment of Tool Academy!  What better way to counteract the Monday blues than to settle down with a bag of Ho Hos® and let the Captain take you away to a world where bandannas and  tribal armband tattoos are the highest status symbols a man can achieve.  Will Angelo cry again?  Is Jordan still wearing a pink thong?  What the hell is a glow-sticker?  Am I really going to devote the next eight Mondays to this ridiculous pursuit?  The answers to these questions and more inside!

This man is a tool.

I have one word to describe this episode, dear readers, and that word is "wow."  I had feared that I'd be pressed for content having gotten all the exposition out of the way last week.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  This week's theme is "Fidelity," and it crackled from start to finish.  There were simply too many great quotes to be confined to the Notes & Quotes section, so they'll be sprinkled throughout the recap.

IN THE BEGINNING: Boy Band Tool Jordan (they give them all nicknames) starts things off quite toolishly by giving his assessment of Jennavecia.  Women, he explains, cannot be tools.  Just as I was worrying that Jordan would let this assertion stand without a logical argument supporting it, he read my mind and obliged.  A guy who gets with 200 girls, you see, is "da man."  Conversely, a girl who gets with 200 guys is a slut.  Well played, Jordan.  Your move, gender studies!

THERAPY aka OH S**T: As Trina announces the theme of fidelity for this week's session and reveals that they will be viewing the videos the guys filmed for what they thought was the Mr. Cancun competition, the reaction of the tools is instant and uniform; regretful, knowing fear. 

Well, except Angelo.  Angelo cried.

Angelo's up first.  He's filmed himself waking up next to girl who is, judging by girlfriend Dayna's reaction (and different hair color), not Dayna.  Dayna is SHOCKED with a capital "S," which is, arguably, shocking in and of itself.  But maybe I'm just being cynical.  Dayna, remarking that they'd been dating for a year and half, asks how long this has been going on.  Angelo, quickly establishing himself as Captain Zissou's favorite tool, answers without missing a beat: "Probably about a year and three months."  Dayna wants to know why he's even still with her.  Angelo, cementing his most-favored-tool status, responds weepily, "You complete me!"  That's right, folks, Angelo just used a line from Jerry Maguire.

Moving right along, Shawn's video features him mooning some girls, asking a girl for her number, and then kissing yet another another girl.  He smiles throughout the playing of the video, much to girlfriend Emily's displeasure.  Shawn defends the kiss (on the lips, mind you) as just a peck.  At Trina's prodding, he remains unapologetic, saying that he was actually proud of his behavior.  At this point, Captain Zissou wrote "Shawn is going home" in his notebook.

Daniel, self-described glow-sticker (picture before the jump), is next.  In his video, he brags to a girl he's flirting with that he's slept with four or five people--yes, he said people, not women, though apparently Captain Zissou was the only one who noticed--since being with his girlfriend.  While this is pretty par for the course, I mention it for two reasons.  1) He's a self-described glow-sticker.  And 2) I loved his lame attempt at justification for his cheating: "It's just my insecurities!"  I believe you, Dan.

Boy Band Tool Jordan, in his video, is shown removing his pants at the urging of four girls.  This marks the second time in two episodes Jordan has removed his pants to reveal a pink thong.

Following therapy, the girls decide to let off some steam by skinny-dipping in the pool at Dayna's suggestion.  Lesley, refraining from this activity, asks them if they really think it's appropriate.  You know what that means.  It's on.  The anticlimactic tussle that follows nonetheless brings us possibly the best jewel of the episode so far.  Searching for the right word to convey her feelings to Lesley (and failing), Dayna exclaims, "I'm just so f**king...bedazzled by your feelings on this!"  Bedazzled.

THE CHALLENGE: This recap is already running long, so let's move right to the challenge.  This week's challenge is Tool-e-oke; each couple must work together to create and perform a song that encompasses their relationship.

Jermika writes the first two lines of her and Kevin's song: "This is my husband Kevin, he has a problem with fidelity.  This is my wife Jermika, she doesn't trust me."  Kevin, undoubtedly caught up in the creative process, goes for a celebratory high five.  He is left hanging.

Shawn is shown putting forth almost no effort during the song-writing portion.  Remember, Captain Zissou already crossed this guy off his list twenty minutes ago.  And Zissou knows his tools.

Little else interesting happens during song-writing, so we move ahead to the performance.  The two guest judges are announced.  As expected, Captain Zissou had never heard of either judge.  The first is some woman from the music industry, and the other is some--OMG IS THAT BRIAN DUNKLEMAN?!  THE ORIGINAL CO-HOST OF AMERICAN IDOL?!  HERE, GUEST-JUDGING ON TOOL ACADEMY?!

I'm not making this up.

Well, shoot, this might not be so bad with a real music icon on board, right?  Wrong, it still sucked.  Kevin and Jermika go first.  Jermika freezes up and forgets her lines.  Kevin jumps in with the chorus.  In interview, Jermika praises Kevin for this action, explaining that he "rescued her. " Congratulations, Kevin, you've finally set the bar low enough to start making improvement!  He even gets the nod from Dunkleman.  This guy is untouchable right now.

Shawn and Emily enter stage right.  Shawn promptly starts doing the robot and says in sing-song, "I forgot what I was going to say!" DUNKLEMAN IS NOT IMPRESSED.  Token female judge criticizes them for failing to "connect to the music."  Apparently she takes her guest-judging duties seriously.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS: Boy Band Tool Jordan goes on stage wearing sunglasses, a bandanna, a cowboy hat, boots, and women's underwear.  No pants.  What is it with this guy?

Dunkleman compliments Angelo and Dayna for their chemistry, says he can "tell there's a lot of love there."  Dunkleman obviously read my predictions from last week.

THE RESULTS: In an upset(?) Jermika and Kevin win the challenge.  Apparently, forgetting the words to your own song and chanting "We'll make it work!  We'll make it work!" for forty-five seconds is what it takes to win on Tool Academy this season.  And in a move that shocks no one (if you've been listening to Captain Zissou, that is) Shawn is sent home. 

ANALYSIS: The Captain is pleased by the results this week, as it means one of his do-nothing long shots bites the dust while crowd favorites Angelo and the glow-sticker survive to rave again another week.  My only worry is that this week's episode will be hard to top.  It had too many outrageous quotes to fit into this admittedly much-too-long recap, a skinny-dipping related girlfight, another man in a pink thong, and Brian 'effing Dunkleman.  Will next week's episode disappoint?  Or will they turn it up to eleven?  Find out next week on Reality TV Monday!

NOTES & QUOTES:

• Almost fights (cumulative): 3

• Times Angelo has cried (cumulative): 3

• "Honestly, I don't like being here.  I don't like being in this house.  I would rather be surfing."

• "Ain't nobody perfect, but you next to it.  I can sleep good at night knowing my girl ain't a ho."

• "Last week, I was in the doghouse.  This week, I'm under a dog's doghouse."

• "Hindsight is 20/20.  I shoulda put a pair of pants on."

• "This date is important to me because I want my wife to know that I'm trying hard.  But also, I'm kinda hoping for a shot of ass."