Blogfight: Mummy v. Terminator Round 1

No time for pleasantries today, Lifers: there are dreams to crush.  DISCLAIMER: Read this first, lest you be utterly unprepared for the barrage of ballistic awesomeness I am about to unleash on Muted.  The question at the heart of this Blogfight™, dear readers, is who would win in a bar fight: the Mummy or the Terminator.  SPOILER ALERT: It's the Terminator.  I, naturally, being the winner I am, will be representing the T-800.  

 He will melt your face.

Who would win in a fight?  I write that again in pretty italics because Muted, despite opening the debate, appears to have completely forgotten the matter at hand (more on this later).  Rest assured, dear readers, Captain Zissou will fail prey to no such rookie mistakes.

CONDESCENDING ASIDE: Before I utterly destroy her, I would like to praise Muted for her spunk in agreeing to this slaughter.  Sure, her argument for Imhotep was shallow and pedantic, but it was also kinda cute.  You know, like when a 9 year-old tries to hang out with her 17 year-old brother and his friends.  Therefore, let me say on behalf of the entire crew of the RFS Yuri Adropov, we at the Life Despotic salute you!  Keep at it, kiddo, you'll get there.

Now to business.  Before I get to my proper argument, I want to start with something simple.  Something that will let us get a feel for the proper order of things.  Toward this end, let's take a look at the respective contestants' titles:

• Terminator: n. 1) One who terminates; 2) A professional face-melter and/or badass; see also killer, assassin, destroyer, badass, awesome sauce.

• Mummy: n. 1) A term of endearment used by small British children to refer to their mothers; see also mum, mommy, mama, mommy dearest, mother may I.

Having established how utterly silly this pursuit is because of the obviousness of the answer, let's nonetheless press on to my main argument.  The argument is divided into four parts, including three official tests designed to measure badassness (patents pending).  Onward, then!

1) The first test is very simple yet highly effective.  Based entirely on one's intimidation factor, I call this the Who-Would-You-Rather-Not-Meet-In-A-Dark-Alley Test®.  While the name is rather vague, basically the test evaluates which villain you'd rather not meet in a dark alley.  Let's just go ahead and stack them up side-by-side then, shall we?

Nice moobs there, Susan.

I know what you're thinking as you look at that picture; I'm thinking the same thing.  It is frightening.  Frightening in a "what is this creepy, shirtless, Megan's Law-looking weirdo doing coming toward me in this dark alley" sort of way, that is.  If this competition were "most likely to appear on a Dateline NBC special with his pants off," I've no doubt the Mummy would win, hands down.  In fact, even as I type this I have a sneaking suspicion that Chris Hansen might show up at any moment and ask Imhotep to have a seat right over there.

"The name's Hansen, Chris Hansen."

Fortunately for the T-800, however, this is not a competition for "who has the creepiest internet search history."  As the Mummy is anything but physically intimidating, it doesn't look good for his chances on this first test.  Why don't we then consider whether the Terminator can safely win this one.

Gee, you tell me.

That thing is so intimidating I feel like I'm wasting words even belaboring the point.  This guy even manages to make his hairless chest intimidating.  Let's just call it and move on.  

Terminator: 1 

Mummy: 0    

2) Now the difficult thing about arguing for the toughness of either of these villains is that, as villains, they are inevitably defeated at the end of the film.  Who defeats, them, however, can be instructive in our quest to determine whose cuisine reigns supreme.  The second test, therefore, considers not the strength of the villains but the strength of their nemeses.  The Mummy is defeated by Rick O'Connell aka Brenden Fraser.  Consider.

That's right, this guy.  Seriously.

This is so easy it just doesn't feel right.  But there are two sides to every coin.  Maybe the Terminator's nemesis, Kyle Reese aka Michael Biehn, is even more doughy and ridiculous.

Wrong.  Certified badass.

Terminator: 2
Mummy: -1
(Mummy is docked one point for twice being defeated by George of the frickin' Jungle)

3) Having considered our contestants' extrinsic properties, let's turn our attention to  the third test: what they're made of.  Literally.  My own personal nemesis, Muted, makes the point that Imhotep can turn into sand at will.  Wow, that's neat!  I love sand!  I made sand castles at the beach when I was six.  It was fun.  You know what it wasn't?  SCARY.  Worst case scenario, you're looking at sand in your eyes, which falls on the scale somewhere between minor nuisance and slight annoyance.  People used to build things out of packed sand a few thousand years ago.  You know what they use to build things now?  STEEL.  You know what the Terminator is made of?  HINT: THE ANSWER IS ALSO STEEL.

Muted points out that the Mummy can also turn into water, which she argues might short-circuit the Terminator.  I have a $19 watch from Target that can be submerged in water up to 100 meters.  The artificial intelligence that managed to topple the combined forces of humanity figured out how to send a programed assassin back in time; I'm pretty sure it can figure out how to waterproof its terminators in the year 2029.

Terminator: 3
Mummy: -1

4) I had originally intended to end my onslaught there.  After reading Muted's post however, I feel compelled to respond to her argument that the Mummy's heart somehow makes him more likely to win in a fight.  I appreciate her trying to turn an obvious weakness into a strength, but seriously?

Heart?  Soul?  Are you kidding?  THE TERMINATOR IS A LITERAL KILLING MACHINE.  This isn't "who would make a better blind date" or "who makes better googly-eyes," it's who would win in a fight, dammit!  Are we living on Fantasy Island?  I'm supposed to believe that the Mummy is going to best the future's biggest and baddest specially-engineered titanium alloy killing machine in a knockdown drag-out bar fight because he's got feelings?!

 What was that you were saying about style?

Let me step back a second.  I'm not being fair.  After all, I have it on good authority that when the T-800 was but a young terminator, he took a certain special lady terminator to the prom.  Except by "certain special lady terminator" I mean "weak pitiful human," and by "took to the prom" I mean "melted his effing face off."  Because that's what he does.  He melts people's faces.

Terminator: Infinity+1
Mummy: -Infinity

 "Oh s**t, is that the Terminator?  He did say he would be back."

In conclusion and in summation, the score line says it all, folks.  In reality, this one was over before it even got started.  But as the Captain always enjoys crushing an upstart young pup, I won't say it was a complete waste of my talents.  Game, set, match.  Muted?  You've just been terminated.

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read
cth