Reality TV Monday: Tool Academy Week 3 Analysis

Ahoy Lifers, this is your Captain sprechen.  It's Monday again, which means another thrilling installment of everyone's favorite weekly VD public service announcement, Tool Academy.  We're just three weeks in, yet what a long, strange trip it's already been.  I can already feel a deep connection to the lives of our errant and ebullient tools.  Though seeing as it feels like a vague burning sensation, it could very well be that I've simply contracted gonorrhea from subjecting myself to this filth.  GONORRHEA: The Silent Killer™.  Last week's episode on fidelity was a barn-burner.  It had everything you want in a Tool Academy episode: fights, kites, jeers, and, of course, Angelo's tears.  Can this week possibly live up to that same impossible standard?  Well, if you're reading this before I update with the full post, you'll just have to wait.  It's too late to devote the next hour to composing the perfect recap and analysis, but I wanted to put something down to get in under the midnight deadline.  I'd hate to see Reality TV Monday bleed into Meatloaf Tuesdays.  Stay tuned!

UPDATE: Full recap is now available after the jump.  I'd apologize for the delay, but as a rule Captain Zissou never apologizes.

I'm joking.  I'll do anything for laughs, but I won't do that.

 So here we are: week three.  This isn't play time any more.  We're starting to separate the...well, wheat from the chaff doesn't really fit here, because it's all chaff.  We're starting to separate the rough chaff from the slightly rougher chaff, how 'bout.  This week's theme is Modesty, something with which all of our lovable would-be Messrs. Cancun struggle.  Case in point.  DISCLAIMER: do not watch the whole thing, it will burn your eyes.  And possibly give you gonorrhea.  

THERAPY aka ART HOUR AT KINDERGARTEN: Therapist-to-the-Tools™ Trina begins this week's therapy by remarking how she's noticed the tools all have inflated egos.  In other news, I think it's going to be a lot warmer in the next few months than it has been the last few months.  Oh I'm sorry, Trina, I thought we were just stating things that are COMPLETELY OBVIOUS.  Anyway, to help adjust these egos, the tools are given crayons and paper in order to draw self-portraits.  While they're away doing that, their significant others will draw their own image of the tools.  I'm not kidding; this is really the therapy session this week.

Neander-tool Jacob (my favorite of their made-up names, by the way) goes first.  He's drawn possibly the worst stick figure I've ever seen.  To be fair, I should say that I had seen to that point; they got progressively worse.  Despite the fact that Jacob is, like our first president, roughly 6'8" and weighs a f**king ton, he's drawn himself as a small, weak dude.  INTERESTING PARALLEL: Also like our first president, Jacob refuses to save the British children.  Trina immediately calls him on his bull.  He then becomes the second guy in two weeks to use his "insecurities" as an excuse.  Apparently this is the buzzword for season three.  Either that or "crabs."

Jordan draws himself as a giant with a tiny man sitting in a control panel lodged in his back.  Evidently Jordan caught Men in Black on TBS last weekend.  Angelo's up next.  He cries!  The streak is alive, baby!  Look out, DiMaggio!  Anyway, Angelo is really upset.  Dayna says she's "never seen him like this."  Really?  Really, Dayna?  Because we've seen it three times in three episodes.  They tempt us right before the commercial break that Angelo's got a big secret he's never shared with anyone.  To  replicate that suspense, I'm going to interject an unrelated image from week one before I give it away...

 I'm going to avoid the obvious joke.

BIG REVEAL: Turns out his family was poor growing up.  Wait, that's it?  I'm sorry, I'm being callous.  I'm sure it was a legitimate hardship, it's just that with the immense buildup I thought it would be something juicier, like that he'd strangled his twin in vitro with their shared umbilical cord.  You're gasping, but tell me that wouldn't have been more awesome.  Thought so.  After this confession, he symbolically destroys the poster.  He's breaking through!

Tommy goes next.  He tears up talking about how he uses his "bling" to mask his pain.  I don't recall if he specified what exactly this pain was; I think I left the room at that point to grab a Reese's® peanut butter egg.  Either way, these guys are breaking through all over the place.  In fact... BOLD PREDICTION: At this point, Captain Zissou made a bold prediction that no tool would be sent home this week.  SPOILER ALERT: I was wrong.

I'd love to delve into Daniel the self-described glow-sticker's session, in which he uttered the following: "I personally blame society for the way I feel about not having a job"; but this recap's too long as it is.  Fight the power, Dan!

THE CHALLENGE: This week's challenge is to watch through a one-way mirror as a focus group watches the Mr. Cancun footage and gives their thoughts on the tools.  I know what you're thinking, and I feel the same way: I can't for the life of me figure out what part of sitting in a chair and watching people flap their gums constitutes the "challenge."  While I thought this was going to be priceless, it actually turned out to be rather dull.

In fact, despite the toolishness of the tools they're talking about, this focus group is actually kinda douchey.  One of them even goes so far as to say that Tommy must have been abused as a child to be acting this way.  Needless to say, Tommy FLIPS OUT.  He storms out, then suddenly Neander-tool Jacob is almost fighting with non-tool Kyle again.  Wait, now the glow-sticker and his girlfriend are yelling at each other.  I can't follow all this toolishness!  It's a free-for-all.  Almost fight!  You know it was a good one too, because multiple producers appeared onscreen trying to hold back the tools.

Trina, viewing from her Fortress of Solitude, realizes the melee won't stop without her intervention, dashes down to the focus group room.  She immediately takes charge, prompting Kevin to observe, "She's like the emotional SWAT team, man, she just come kicking in."  At this point, it became perfectly clear that my bold prediction was horribly wrong.  As things calm down, the glow-sticker interjects, "Can I say something?  No matter what I do, it's obvious I can't turn a ho into a housewife."  At this point, Captain Zissou wrote the words "Daniel is going home" in his notebook.  He doesn't stop there: "The fact is, I don't give a s**t about any of those people enough to give a s**t."  Oh yeah, he's out of here.

Angelo cries again!  It's the double whammy!

RESULTS: During the elimination ceremony, Trina totally nails the glow-sticker: "You blamed society for your problems in therapy, but then you didn't care what the focus group had to say."  Daniel goes home.   Woah, and Lesley dumps him at the limo!  I can't believe it.  It all happened so fast.

 Tell us what a glow-sticker is, Daniel!  We must know!

ANALYSIS: This one hurts, Lifers.  You know how I felt about our dear glow-sticker.  And we never got a clear answer just what the hell that means, either.  I knew he didn't have the goods to go the distance, but it still feels too soon.  We had some good times, though, didn't we Dan?  Well, maybe not.  Either way, you'll be missed.  I guess.

NOTES & QUOTES:

• Almost fights (cumulative): 5

• Times Angelo has cried (cumulative): 5

• "I draw worse than motherf**kers in kindergarten, so I was already pissed off."

• "The fire on the side is the flame of our relationship burning out."
   
• "The only thing those people have in common is an accent."

From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou

dictated but not read

cth