I know what you're thinking: "Hey listen here, Zissou, you missed the boat on Reality TV Monday this week. It ain't Monday anymore!" True and true. In fact, I thought about simply putting it off until next week in order to preserve the sanctity of Reality TV Monday. But then I thought, come on, is that really doing anybody any good? And why the hell am I concerned with the sanctity of a four-week old feature on a blog frequented by approximately three people? So let's just agree to put this behind us and enjoy another installment of everyone's favorite alcohol- and prescription drug-fueled social experiment, Tool Academy.
How could I go another week without these faces?
This week's theme is Maturity. I bet you dollars to donuts Therapist-To-The-Tools™ Trina pronounces it "mah-tyur-ity" instead of "mah-chur-ity."
THERAPY: Wow, I was wrong, she said it the normal way. Good for you Trina. Tools and their partners are supposed to compile a yearbook-style collection of ratings, e.g. "Tool Most Likely To..."
Cut to the evaluation process. Jennavecia, working with her beau Kyle, tries to decode the meaning of some of the categories: "The least mature, oh wait, that's like, the most mature, right?" No, Jennavecia, just no. The feud between Dayna and Christie has now bubbled over to Angelo and Jacob. Both couples are basically putting the other couple for every category, showing a great degree of maturity.
THERAPY: Wow, I was wrong, she said it the normal way. Good for you Trina. Tools and their partners are supposed to compile a yearbook-style collection of ratings, e.g. "Tool Most Likely To..."
Cut to the evaluation process. Jennavecia, working with her beau Kyle, tries to decode the meaning of some of the categories: "The least mature, oh wait, that's like, the most mature, right?" No, Jennavecia, just no. The feud between Dayna and Christie has now bubbled over to Angelo and Jacob. Both couples are basically putting the other couple for every category, showing a great degree of maturity.
Jordan is unanimously named the Tool least likely to be able to financially support his partner. I see the point, as he's the only tool without a job. Though he points out in his defense, "I'm not 29 without a job, I'm 23 without a job." Factually accurate, I suppose.
I take some issue with the implications of the question, however. Why is it the Tools' job to financially support their partners? Why did we burn all those bras in the seventies? It's time to step up, ladies. If Jordan wants to be unemployed and spend his time tanning and getting his eyebrows waxed, I think that's his right, dammit. Equality for tools now!
I love that Trina's British, because she always pronounces "Dayna" as "Dayner." Crazy limeys!
Tommy is the unanimous pick for class clown tool. He says he's still trying to figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing. SPOILER ALERT: It's a bad thing, Tommy. You shotgunned a beer in a grocery store, bro.
After therapy, Kate gets emotional about Tommy's drinking, not realizing until now how much it's affecting their relationship. Blah blah blah, stuff gets serious, but that's not what you're reading this recap for so let's just skip it, shall we?
Almost fight! Jacob and Angelo do the awkward, I-don't-want-to-get-kicked-off-the-show reality TV wussy push dance. You know what I'm talking about. Well, unless you have standards and haven't watched all three seasons of Rock of Love like I have.
They have a rare class session with some dude named Larry. He says he's a bestselling author, but I've got a sneaking suspicion based on his appearance that he's actually Daddy Warbucks from the Broadway hit Annie.
I take some issue with the implications of the question, however. Why is it the Tools' job to financially support their partners? Why did we burn all those bras in the seventies? It's time to step up, ladies. If Jordan wants to be unemployed and spend his time tanning and getting his eyebrows waxed, I think that's his right, dammit. Equality for tools now!
I love that Trina's British, because she always pronounces "Dayna" as "Dayner." Crazy limeys!
Tommy is the unanimous pick for class clown tool. He says he's still trying to figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing. SPOILER ALERT: It's a bad thing, Tommy. You shotgunned a beer in a grocery store, bro.
After therapy, Kate gets emotional about Tommy's drinking, not realizing until now how much it's affecting their relationship. Blah blah blah, stuff gets serious, but that's not what you're reading this recap for so let's just skip it, shall we?
Almost fight! Jacob and Angelo do the awkward, I-don't-want-to-get-kicked-off-the-show reality TV wussy push dance. You know what I'm talking about. Well, unless you have standards and haven't watched all three seasons of Rock of Love like I have.
They have a rare class session with some dude named Larry. He says he's a bestselling author, but I've got a sneaking suspicion based on his appearance that he's actually Daddy Warbucks from the Broadway hit Annie.
"Hey little orphan Annie, write that down!"
I actually really love Daddy Warbucks! He's got this thing where he drops dimes of wisdom on each individual tool, then punctuates it be saying "Write that down!" They're reviewing the video of how the tools said they would spend the $100,000 Mr. Cancun prize. Jennavecia said she'd open a cannabis club in Las Vegas. Warbucks asks her if that's legal in Vegas. Jennavecia says she doesn't know. Daddy Warbucks: "Well I'll give you one word: NO! Write that down!" Seriously, give this guy his own show. Write That Down! with Daddy Warbucks. Tell me you wouldn't watch that. Okay, you wouldn't, but I would and you'd read my recap.
CHALLENGE: Tools have to pay their bills. Basically, they have podiums with a label and a number on it (i.e. "Car," $338.41) and they have to count out the amount exactly from a giant pool of money in the middle of the room. Yeah, I can definitely see how this tests their maturity. "Write that down!"
The tools take their positions, but Kate runs out of the room. Basically, she's had enough of Tommy's drinking. Tommy: "I got three DUIs. If I get another one I'm f**ked. But that's not a drinking problem." I'm not even gonna touch that one.
Jennavecia and Kyle finish first, but are disqualified because they only got one of the three amounts right. Instead, Angelo and Dayner win! This kid's got what it takes, I tell you.
Trina, concerned with Kate and Tommy's recent developments, schedules them for a private therapy session. Kate, showing a startling degree of self-perception, thinks that Tommy's problems are too serious to be solved at the Tool Academy. Tommy, dropping a bombshell (and you know it's a bombshell because they immediately cut to commercial), says there's been someone else. Dun dun duuuun! Kate says she thinks there's no possibility for a relationship after this; Tommy says that's fine with him. In a shocking development, Kate and Tommy leave Tool Academy on the eve of elimination.
RESULTS & ANALYSIS: I'm combining these sections because this is already too long. Boy Band Tool Jordan gets sent packing. Can't say I'm disappointed and I can't say I didn't see it coming. While I didn't bother to mention it, he totally mailed in the challenge, which pretty much sealed his fate. Overall, as much as it pains me to say it, this may have been the weakest episode of the bunch so far. Therapy was only so amusing and the challenge was super lame. They spent way too much time on the Kate-Tommy drama (hey that rhymes!) and not enough time entertaining me with ridiculous antics. Also, Angelo's crying streak sadly comes to an end. Here's hoping to better things next week!
CHALLENGE: Tools have to pay their bills. Basically, they have podiums with a label and a number on it (i.e. "Car," $338.41) and they have to count out the amount exactly from a giant pool of money in the middle of the room. Yeah, I can definitely see how this tests their maturity. "Write that down!"
The tools take their positions, but Kate runs out of the room. Basically, she's had enough of Tommy's drinking. Tommy: "I got three DUIs. If I get another one I'm f**ked. But that's not a drinking problem." I'm not even gonna touch that one.
Jennavecia and Kyle finish first, but are disqualified because they only got one of the three amounts right. Instead, Angelo and Dayner win! This kid's got what it takes, I tell you.
Trina, concerned with Kate and Tommy's recent developments, schedules them for a private therapy session. Kate, showing a startling degree of self-perception, thinks that Tommy's problems are too serious to be solved at the Tool Academy. Tommy, dropping a bombshell (and you know it's a bombshell because they immediately cut to commercial), says there's been someone else. Dun dun duuuun! Kate says she thinks there's no possibility for a relationship after this; Tommy says that's fine with him. In a shocking development, Kate and Tommy leave Tool Academy on the eve of elimination.
RESULTS & ANALYSIS: I'm combining these sections because this is already too long. Boy Band Tool Jordan gets sent packing. Can't say I'm disappointed and I can't say I didn't see it coming. While I didn't bother to mention it, he totally mailed in the challenge, which pretty much sealed his fate. Overall, as much as it pains me to say it, this may have been the weakest episode of the bunch so far. Therapy was only so amusing and the challenge was super lame. They spent way too much time on the Kate-Tommy drama (hey that rhymes!) and not enough time entertaining me with ridiculous antics. Also, Angelo's crying streak sadly comes to an end. Here's hoping to better things next week!
NOTES & QUOTES:
- Almost fights (cumulative): 6
- Times Angelo has cried (cumulative): 5
- "He gotta man up, and stop tannin' up."
- "Larry was spittin' real stuff. He was spittin'."
- "I don't think I'm a full tool. Maybe just a half tool. Just a t-o."
dictated but not read
cth
1 comments:
thank you from the bottom of my heart.
oh yes, and don't think that this excuses the wes anderson remarks. i tried to watch life aquatic again... and fell asleep.
:)
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