Welcome to a special late night edition of the Life Despotic. It's time to slip into that comfy robe, settle into your favorite armchair, and let the Captain take you to a world of brooding vampires and brash werewolves. I'm kidding. Can you imagine? In fact, I'll just go ahead and declare right now that even if Cedric Diggory himself offers me an exclusive interview, the Life Despotic will never feature Twilight. Instead, this post is dedicated to a more worthwhile pursuit: late night television.
Tonight, due to combination of insomnia, sunburn, and severe lack of tryptophan-rich Thanksgiving turkey in my apartment, I've temporarily given up my pursuit of sleep in favor of my good friend Samsung. As you are no doubt aware, late night programming makes for some of the best television viewing one can find. Tonight, my own Sophie's choice was between an episode of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami on E! in which the titular Khloé Kardashian burns her lady parts during a bikini wax-gone-bad and an episode of MANswers on SpikeTV in which the Epicurean show producers seek out the answer to that eternal question of how far one can throw a dwarf. I picked MANswers, which I want to say was the high road, but I have no confidence in that claim. Your call, readers. FULL DISCLOSURE: All right, fine. My decision wasn't guided by any sense of moral decency; I had already seen that episode of K & K. Just remember that this is a judgment-free zone.
Right, so: MANswers. If you're not familiar with the show, you've obviously made better choices in life than I. It really is quite odious. How odious, you say? Consider the questions contained in tonight's episode:
COMMERCIAL BREAK: The only thing better than late night TV is late night TV advertising. Except for those annoying Girls Gone Wild videos. Are they still making those things? Because they're still advertising them. You could tell me they're still using the commercial they made in 2001 and I would totally believe you. Anyways, tonight's best commercial was an interview with Super Bowl-winning super coach Jimmy Johnson. Now, this guy is a football legend. He's one of only two coaches to win both an NCAA national championship and a Super Bowl (and he won two). So what's he hocking now? His own grill? A clothing line maybe? Wrong. He's the new spokesman for Extenze, the drug for all-natural male enhancement. Seriously. I mean, I totally get it from the Extenze marketing team's point of view. The guy's name is Johnson, for chrissakes. But what are you doing, Jimmy? How did it come to this? Are you that hard up for money? Okay, admittedly, I could have used better phrasing in that last question, but my point is, you could have just called, Jimmy. I would've lent you a few bucks.
Okay, and now I've just seen a promo for a show called Half-Pint Brawlers that apparently features a cast of little people. That's it, I'm done. I disgust myself. But since I promised you answers, here they are in no particular order. See if you can match them to the right question: recently grown beard and dark sunglasses; 18; 12'9"; a dugong. That's right, a friggin' dugong.
I need a shower.
From the virtual cesspool of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
Tonight, due to combination of insomnia, sunburn, and severe lack of tryptophan-rich Thanksgiving turkey in my apartment, I've temporarily given up my pursuit of sleep in favor of my good friend Samsung. As you are no doubt aware, late night programming makes for some of the best television viewing one can find. Tonight, my own Sophie's choice was between an episode of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami on E! in which the titular Khloé Kardashian burns her lady parts during a bikini wax-gone-bad and an episode of MANswers on SpikeTV in which the Epicurean show producers seek out the answer to that eternal question of how far one can throw a dwarf. I picked MANswers, which I want to say was the high road, but I have no confidence in that claim. Your call, readers. FULL DISCLOSURE: All right, fine. My decision wasn't guided by any sense of moral decency; I had already seen that episode of K & K. Just remember that this is a judgment-free zone.
Right, so: MANswers. If you're not familiar with the show, you've obviously made better choices in life than I. It really is quite odious. How odious, you say? Consider the questions contained in tonight's episode:
- "How many brewskies can a guy drink before he drops dead?"
- "He looks like a drug dealer; how can a guy find out if he's really a narc?"
- "Banging chicks is great! But what if they're all gone? What kind of animal is most like a woman?"
- And, of course: "How far can you toss a dwarf?"
COMMERCIAL BREAK: The only thing better than late night TV is late night TV advertising. Except for those annoying Girls Gone Wild videos. Are they still making those things? Because they're still advertising them. You could tell me they're still using the commercial they made in 2001 and I would totally believe you. Anyways, tonight's best commercial was an interview with Super Bowl-winning super coach Jimmy Johnson. Now, this guy is a football legend. He's one of only two coaches to win both an NCAA national championship and a Super Bowl (and he won two). So what's he hocking now? His own grill? A clothing line maybe? Wrong. He's the new spokesman for Extenze, the drug for all-natural male enhancement. Seriously. I mean, I totally get it from the Extenze marketing team's point of view. The guy's name is Johnson, for chrissakes. But what are you doing, Jimmy? How did it come to this? Are you that hard up for money? Okay, admittedly, I could have used better phrasing in that last question, but my point is, you could have just called, Jimmy. I would've lent you a few bucks.
(Insert joke as to the possibility that a given object may or may not be in his pocket here.)
Okay, and now I've just seen a promo for a show called Half-Pint Brawlers that apparently features a cast of little people. That's it, I'm done. I disgust myself. But since I promised you answers, here they are in no particular order. See if you can match them to the right question: recently grown beard and dark sunglasses; 18; 12'9"; a dugong. That's right, a friggin' dugong.
I need a shower.
From the virtual cesspool of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
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