14 years ago
are you there blog? it's me margaret
Welcome to a special late night edition of the Life Despotic. It's time to slip into that comfy robe, settle into your favorite armchair, and let the Captain take you to a world of brooding vampires and brash werewolves. I'm kidding. Can you imagine? In fact, I'll just go ahead and declare right now that even if Cedric Diggory himself offers me an exclusive interview, the Life Despotic will never feature Twilight. Instead, this post is dedicated to a more worthwhile pursuit: late night television.
Tonight, due to combination of insomnia, sunburn, and severe lack of tryptophan-rich Thanksgiving turkey in my apartment, I've temporarily given up my pursuit of sleep in favor of my good friend Samsung. As you are no doubt aware, late night programming makes for some of the best television viewing one can find. Tonight, my own Sophie's choice was between an episode of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami on E! in which the titular Khloé Kardashian burns her lady parts during a bikini wax-gone-bad and an episode of MANswers on SpikeTV in which the Epicurean show producers seek out the answer to that eternal question of how far one can throw a dwarf. I picked MANswers, which I want to say was the high road, but I have no confidence in that claim. Your call, readers. FULL DISCLOSURE: All right, fine. My decision wasn't guided by any sense of moral decency; I had already seen that episode of K & K. Just remember that this is a judgment-free zone.
Right, so: MANswers. If you're not familiar with the show, you've obviously made better choices in life than I. It really is quite odious. How odious, you say? Consider the questions contained in tonight's episode:
COMMERCIAL BREAK: The only thing better than late night TV is late night TV advertising. Except for those annoying Girls Gone Wild videos. Are they still making those things? Because they're still advertising them. You could tell me they're still using the commercial they made in 2001 and I would totally believe you. Anyways, tonight's best commercial was an interview with Super Bowl-winning super coach Jimmy Johnson. Now, this guy is a football legend. He's one of only two coaches to win both an NCAA national championship and a Super Bowl (and he won two). So what's he hocking now? His own grill? A clothing line maybe? Wrong. He's the new spokesman for Extenze, the drug for all-natural male enhancement. Seriously. I mean, I totally get it from the Extenze marketing team's point of view. The guy's name is Johnson, for chrissakes. But what are you doing, Jimmy? How did it come to this? Are you that hard up for money? Okay, admittedly, I could have used better phrasing in that last question, but my point is, you could have just called, Jimmy. I would've lent you a few bucks.
Okay, and now I've just seen a promo for a show called Half-Pint Brawlers that apparently features a cast of little people. That's it, I'm done. I disgust myself. But since I promised you answers, here they are in no particular order. See if you can match them to the right question: recently grown beard and dark sunglasses; 18; 12'9"; a dugong. That's right, a friggin' dugong.
I need a shower.
From the virtual cesspool of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
Tonight, due to combination of insomnia, sunburn, and severe lack of tryptophan-rich Thanksgiving turkey in my apartment, I've temporarily given up my pursuit of sleep in favor of my good friend Samsung. As you are no doubt aware, late night programming makes for some of the best television viewing one can find. Tonight, my own Sophie's choice was between an episode of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami on E! in which the titular Khloé Kardashian burns her lady parts during a bikini wax-gone-bad and an episode of MANswers on SpikeTV in which the Epicurean show producers seek out the answer to that eternal question of how far one can throw a dwarf. I picked MANswers, which I want to say was the high road, but I have no confidence in that claim. Your call, readers. FULL DISCLOSURE: All right, fine. My decision wasn't guided by any sense of moral decency; I had already seen that episode of K & K. Just remember that this is a judgment-free zone.
Right, so: MANswers. If you're not familiar with the show, you've obviously made better choices in life than I. It really is quite odious. How odious, you say? Consider the questions contained in tonight's episode:
- "How many brewskies can a guy drink before he drops dead?"
- "He looks like a drug dealer; how can a guy find out if he's really a narc?"
- "Banging chicks is great! But what if they're all gone? What kind of animal is most like a woman?"
- And, of course: "How far can you toss a dwarf?"
COMMERCIAL BREAK: The only thing better than late night TV is late night TV advertising. Except for those annoying Girls Gone Wild videos. Are they still making those things? Because they're still advertising them. You could tell me they're still using the commercial they made in 2001 and I would totally believe you. Anyways, tonight's best commercial was an interview with Super Bowl-winning super coach Jimmy Johnson. Now, this guy is a football legend. He's one of only two coaches to win both an NCAA national championship and a Super Bowl (and he won two). So what's he hocking now? His own grill? A clothing line maybe? Wrong. He's the new spokesman for Extenze, the drug for all-natural male enhancement. Seriously. I mean, I totally get it from the Extenze marketing team's point of view. The guy's name is Johnson, for chrissakes. But what are you doing, Jimmy? How did it come to this? Are you that hard up for money? Okay, admittedly, I could have used better phrasing in that last question, but my point is, you could have just called, Jimmy. I would've lent you a few bucks.
(Insert joke as to the possibility that a given object may or may not be in his pocket here.)
Okay, and now I've just seen a promo for a show called Half-Pint Brawlers that apparently features a cast of little people. That's it, I'm done. I disgust myself. But since I promised you answers, here they are in no particular order. See if you can match them to the right question: recently grown beard and dark sunglasses; 18; 12'9"; a dugong. That's right, a friggin' dugong.
I need a shower.
From the virtual cesspool of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
i vant to suck your blud
20.6.10
That's right, people: two posts, one day. Summer of George. This should be a short one (right!) as I simply need to express my disgust at the ignorance and arrogance displayed in a CNN video I just watched. First, let me assure you that I don't make a habit of watching CNN videos, but I set the Chet News Network as my homepage and thus it caught my eye (by the way, anyone who gets that reference without the use of google wins a chicken dinner courtesy of Ivan Zissou).
The video headline in question queried, "Do men with accents have edge in dating?" A worthy question, no doubt. My first thought was, "Well, naturally they mean non-General American accents, as everyone speaks with an accent. I'm sure they were just saving space in the headline and will mention it at some point in this four-minute long video." You can see where this is going. In truth, the video featured no such disclaimer, and thus registered fairly high on the unintentional comedy scale with gems like this one: "I think that an accent can take an average guy and push him to that super-hot level." And then, of course, there was the near perfect irony of a woman with the thickest New York accent you'll ever hear ruminating on how attractive she finds men with accents.
Am I picking nits? Sure. Am I simply jealous because my thick Russian accent renders me virtually unintelligible when I go speed dating? Probably. All I'm saying is, if I'm a reporter for one of the world's largest news organizations, I'm probably going to want to put in a one-sentence distinction to prove I'm not a complete moron and understand the real definition of the word "accent."
BONUS PARAGRAPH: For those of you who want to emulate the Captain, please review this page and do literally the opposite of everything it says. Just for the good of the order, Russians do not pronounce 'w' like 'v,' they do not pronounce 'th' like 'z,' and they certainly don't pronounce 'h' like a Spanish 'j.' Well, okay, maybe Yakov Smirnoff does. But I want you to aim higher, dear readers! And you're going to need to if you want to get those dates.
From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
haaaaave you met ted?
There are few things more annoying than Hollywood types like those snarky prigs over at Entertainment Weekly constantly harping about great television shows that no one's watching. In this post, we're going to find out if it's any less annoying when the person saying it is an odious megalomaniac internet nobody with a pathetic blog of a soapbox (Namely: me).
ASIDE: Now, some of you may find it odious that I tell you what to watch and what to think all the time. In addition to the standard Life Despotic response, I would remind you that this is not the Life Democratic. I don't know, maybe one day UNICEF will get into the blogging business, but until that day, you're stuck with me. NOTE TO SELF: The Life Democratic would make for a good April Fool's Day site makeover.
Back to the main point, the show in question today is How I Met Your Mother. Now I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. I've been watching the show for a good three seasons now, and while I think it's one of the funniest shows on (network) television, I've yet to meet one other person who watches it. So why should you? Well, let me tell you. And yeah, I know, the title sucks.
ASIDE: Now, some of you may find it odious that I tell you what to watch and what to think all the time. In addition to the standard Life Despotic response, I would remind you that this is not the Life Democratic. I don't know, maybe one day UNICEF will get into the blogging business, but until that day, you're stuck with me. NOTE TO SELF: The Life Democratic would make for a good April Fool's Day site makeover.
Back to the main point, the show in question today is How I Met Your Mother. Now I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. I've been watching the show for a good three seasons now, and while I think it's one of the funniest shows on (network) television, I've yet to meet one other person who watches it. So why should you? Well, let me tell you. And yeah, I know, the title sucks.
REASON ONE: Running jokes. If it's one thing that separates a great comedy from a mediocre one, it's the ability to deftly handle recurrent jokes that reward regular viewers and only get funnier over time. There's a reason why Arrested Development is widely considered one of the best comedies of all time and also had more running jokes per minute than any other show in history, and it's name ain't coincidence. HIMYM does this better than any other show I've seen on television right now.
REASON TWO: Neil Patrick Harris. That's right, folks, he of the tiny stethoscope has created Barney Stinson, possibly the best sitcom character since AD's own G.O.B. Bluth. Also, for those of you who read that as 'gob' as in 'gobstopper,' shame on you! Check thyself before thou wreck thyself and click here immediately. (I know that's only the third season, but it's better than nothing, and the Captain has heard rumors of less-than-ethical ways of accessing the first two seasons via that magic box called the internet.) Where was I? Right, Barney Stinson. While the likable Ted Mosby is the show's main character, it's Barney that steals it. He is the consummate ladies man. He once put on the greatest worst one man show in the history of great bad one man shows. And most importantly, he appreciates the importance of a good suit.
SIDE NOTE: There is one aspect of the show that's a little weird. The premise of the show, as indicated by its title, is that the main character Ted is telling his kids about how he met their mother twenty-three years earlier. What's weird about it though, is that the guy doing the voiceover (Future Ted) is Bob Saget. The credit for this goes to Peter Griffin from Family Guy, who totally nailed the commentary: "I've only seen that show once but I gotta tell ya, what's really weird to me is, why is the voice of the guy from the future, Bob Saget? I mean, the guy on the show...he's already an adult. Ya know, so it's not like he's gonna grow in to Bob Saget. Doesn't make sense."
REASON THREE: You know, when I started writing this post I had a reason three, but then I started watching Barney Stinson highlights on Youtube and lost my train of thought. Basically, if you watched those clips and your interest wasn't piqued, I don't think anything more I could say would convince you. Call me lowbrow, but I think the Slap Bet gag is hilarious. So you kids can keep your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg records, and I'll await with baited breath the day that Slapsgiving once again rolls around.
Until that day comes, I'll leave you with the awesomeness of Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel spontaneously singing "Confrontation" from Les Miserables on daytime television:
From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
REASON TWO: Neil Patrick Harris. That's right, folks, he of the tiny stethoscope has created Barney Stinson, possibly the best sitcom character since AD's own G.O.B. Bluth. Also, for those of you who read that as 'gob' as in 'gobstopper,' shame on you! Check thyself before thou wreck thyself and click here immediately. (I know that's only the third season, but it's better than nothing, and the Captain has heard rumors of less-than-ethical ways of accessing the first two seasons via that magic box called the internet.) Where was I? Right, Barney Stinson. While the likable Ted Mosby is the show's main character, it's Barney that steals it. He is the consummate ladies man. He once put on the greatest worst one man show in the history of great bad one man shows. And most importantly, he appreciates the importance of a good suit.
SIDE NOTE: There is one aspect of the show that's a little weird. The premise of the show, as indicated by its title, is that the main character Ted is telling his kids about how he met their mother twenty-three years earlier. What's weird about it though, is that the guy doing the voiceover (Future Ted) is Bob Saget. The credit for this goes to Peter Griffin from Family Guy, who totally nailed the commentary: "I've only seen that show once but I gotta tell ya, what's really weird to me is, why is the voice of the guy from the future, Bob Saget? I mean, the guy on the show...he's already an adult. Ya know, so it's not like he's gonna grow in to Bob Saget. Doesn't make sense."
REASON THREE: You know, when I started writing this post I had a reason three, but then I started watching Barney Stinson highlights on Youtube and lost my train of thought. Basically, if you watched those clips and your interest wasn't piqued, I don't think anything more I could say would convince you. Call me lowbrow, but I think the Slap Bet gag is hilarious. So you kids can keep your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg records, and I'll await with baited breath the day that Slapsgiving once again rolls around.
Until that day comes, I'll leave you with the awesomeness of Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel spontaneously singing "Confrontation" from Les Miserables on daytime television:
From the virtual desk of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
i think that jay is, like, infinitely curious
19.6.10
Ahoy, Lifers. Consider a few seemingly unrelated facts:
FACT #1: I have recently graduated from university (like that British phrasing?) and, with no job and no responsibilities until I leave for my fictional homeland in September, I'm desperately searching for inane pursuits to waste my time on.
FACT #2: I have recently installed the newest operating system on my laptop computer, which came with the brand-spanking-new version of iMovie, that film editing software easy enough to use that its siren calls to me to waste hours upon hours creating ridiculous wastes of celluloid.
FACT #3: With its new advertising campaign for what is apparently some kind of documentary about Jay-Z doing whatever it is Jay-Z does, Absolut® has unwittingly created the greatest commercial of all time.
"I can see where this is going, boo."
If you watch, like, literally any television at all, you know the one about which I'm talking I'm talking about. It's on so much I feel like it was added as an amendment to the Law & Order/CSI Act of 2004, which mandates, by law, that at least one program from either of those franchises must be running on at least one channel at any given time. Anyway, it's a brilliant commercial, though unfortunately I can't seem to find the 30-second version online. It features our man Jay waxing poetic about NYC. Consider: "New York, New York. It's my foundation, it's the center of my growth, it's the...muse for my art." Classic stuff, in other words.
The real show stealer, however, is none other than John 'Your Body is a Wonderland' Mayer, who inexplicably shows up in the middle of the ad to utter that priceless gem of rhetorical quintessence that lends this post its title: "I think that Jay is, like, infinitely curious." BOOM. And then he's gone. I did find a one minute-long version on Youtube, but it features a longer clip of Mayer in which he goes on to expound on his statement and it just ruins it. You just need that one perfect phrase.
In other words, dear readers, I'm going to re-create this commercial. I must give credit where credit is due, however. 'Twas not originally my idea but that of officially-sanctioned Friend of the Captain® Olivia. She will be playing the role of John 'Your Body is a Wonderland' Mayer, while I, naturally, will be Jay. I haven't come up with a full plan yet, as I feel it needs to spoof the original in order to move beyond it, but I have already ripped some footage of NYC from the minute-long clip to splice in with the new stuff.
Is this an extraordinary waste of time? Yes.
Is the finished product destined to be terrible? Yes.
Is there any way you wouldn't be interested in watching it if I posted it on the blog? Thought so.
From the virtual wonderland body of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
Do you think Jay-Z would use the word 'boo?' I don't know. I'm leaving it, though.
In other words, dear readers, I'm going to re-create this commercial. I must give credit where credit is due, however. 'Twas not originally my idea but that of officially-sanctioned Friend of the Captain® Olivia. She will be playing the role of John 'Your Body is a Wonderland' Mayer, while I, naturally, will be Jay. I haven't come up with a full plan yet, as I feel it needs to spoof the original in order to move beyond it, but I have already ripped some footage of NYC from the minute-long clip to splice in with the new stuff.
Is this an extraordinary waste of time? Yes.
Is the finished product destined to be terrible? Yes.
Is there any way you wouldn't be interested in watching it if I posted it on the blog? Thought so.
From the virtual wonderland body of Ivan Zissou
dictated but not read
cth
Reality TV Monday: Tool Academy Week 6 Analysis
7.6.10
Ahoy, Lifers! After a much needed hiatus from Tool Academy (I'm pretty sure it triggered Ensign Jarlsberg's recent herpes flare-up), we're getting back into the groove in a big way! I don't know if you realize, but we're down to the final four. This is the home stretch. Who will pull ahead as we pull around the final turn? Kevin? Jennavecia? Jacob? Angelo? Well, I can't answer that yet, as there's still two episodes left, but I can tell you who goes home this week. Recap and results after the jump!
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